Hello! Greetings and Salutations!
So. In the last couple months or so I have discovered that dating sucks. I haven't ever really "dated"... most of my relationships are extreme "forever" commitment from the start, with me moving in instantaneously. So this is new for me.
Met guys that seem interested, then blow you off and never talk to you again. At least have the courtesy to tell me you're not interested.
Met guys who are not okay with me having a kid - which is fine, but I make no secret of having Kristen or my desire to have at least one more in the future and I expect to be told up front if you can't handle that before I develop any sort of feelings for you. Nothing sucks more than really liking someone only to find out they hate kids/don't want kids or don't want to be a semi-father to Kris.
After a few real disappointments I decided to list what I want out of dating someone.
1)I want someone who likes my personality and intelligence as much or more than my appearance/sex drive. I like to think I'm a nice, smart girl and nothing irks me more than a guy who can't wait to get in my pants. I need a guy who can hold a conversation about things other than sports or beer.
2)However, I am also still female. I like to be told I'm pretty. I like to be cuddled, fawned over... I like a guy who notices when I take the time to straighten my hair because it takes a long ass time or when I wear makeup because I don't do it often. I like a guy who likes to do the little things not because he has to but because he wants to. A single flower on a bad day can be worth more than a huge diamond necklace at Christmas.
3)I want a guy who can support himself. I worked really hard to get to where I am in life and I am so incredibly tired of lending exuberant amounts of money to a boyfriend and not ever getting it all back. I have no problem with paying my fair share or slightly more, but if you're *UNEMPLOYED* you better have a damn good reason and have a plan to start earning some income in the extremely near future - this girl don't want no scrubs!
4)I like a guy who is interested in culture and the arts. Call me lame, but I hang out with my girl friends to have "surface talk" as I call it. If my boyfriend wanted to talk about who he thinks Flavor Flav should pick on Flavor of Love 3 or who will be America's Next Top Model I'd be scared. It's not that I don't think my girlfriends are capable of discussing Dante's Inferno or their take on who the greatest visual artist is of our era, cause they very likely would be great to talk to about that... but I don't think that sort of stuff interests them. I like learning for the sake of learning and hope to find someone who does as well.
5)And on that topic, I want a guy who wants to meet my girlfriends. Who wants to go on lame double dates to the Venue with Jeri and Kent or to a mall and get lost for hours with Lauretta. These girls are my heart and soul and a gigantic part of my life. I'm tired of boyfriends who try to seclude me from the world. Be a man, grow some balls. Accept the fact that I am going to make time to see them and either come with or hang out with your own friends or alone. Likewise, I also will not piss and moan when you have somewhere to be that I don't want to go to.
6)I'm looking for something serious. Let's face it, I'm 25 with an almost 6 year old kid. I want to have a brother or sister for her before she's too old for them to know each other. My divorce was just finalized recently so I'm not looking to hop right back into marriage, but I'm not looking for a one-night, one-week, one-month sorta thing either.
7)I want a guy who either plays video games or has no opposition to playing video games. I apparantly spend a lot of time doing this and need someone who is accepting of this fact.
I personally don't think it should be this hard to find someone who fits into these things, but it is.
Grrr
10.26.2007
10.16.2007
stop the avalanche!
Hello readers!
Well. It's been hectic. Since you last heard from me I have made at least 2 horrible mistakes, had at least 5 bad ideas and done 15 stupid things.
And today I have decided to stop the avalanche. Realize when I've made a mistake and don't make a new mistake to try to cope with the original mistake. Accept it and move on.
Any advice how to do that?
Well. It's been hectic. Since you last heard from me I have made at least 2 horrible mistakes, had at least 5 bad ideas and done 15 stupid things.
And today I have decided to stop the avalanche. Realize when I've made a mistake and don't make a new mistake to try to cope with the original mistake. Accept it and move on.
Any advice how to do that?
10.10.2007
the drawbacks of the electronic age
Hello readers!
As someone who works in the IT field, it is strange that I would ponder what we have gained and what we have lost by becoming incredibly more electronic.
Today at work, life was disastrous. Some poor girl tried to email a simple request to our electronic support mailbox. Thanks to a slip up, she inadvertantly mailed her request to all users who have our instant messenger tool installed. We're talking globally. All of a sudden inboxes were FLOODED with "I wasn't supposed to get this," "You've got the wrong person," "stop replying to all" etc. messages. It was to the point that I had to put up a rule to filter those messages out and deliver them straight to the deleted items bin. It severely interfered with my workday.
So then I got to thinking about life in the year 2007.
I can do almost anything I need to do electronically.
-I don't think I've deposited a PAYCHECK in years. Checks from my mom, sister, grandpa, yes... but my paycheck is direct deposit. I use my check card for almost every purchase I make. The mere existance of banks where you can open an account without even signing your name is incredible. The only thing I choose to write a check for still is my rent, and with my ING direct electric orange checking account I can even have a paper check mailed to them directly, thus eliminating my need for a checkbook.
-I can buy clothing, groceries, gifts, electronics, medications, books, etc. online. You can even buy houses and vehicles online if you really want.
-I send pictures of my daughter to family across the country in an instant.
-I talk to friends without dialing a phone through MSN or AIM.
-I've never seen my best guy friend Alex in real life, but I could pick him out of a lineup if I had to because we share video with our webcams.
-Hell, I met the top 5 people I talk to the most online - and married one of them. (Jeri : AOL. Lauretta : AOL. Alex : FFXI. Julian : FFXI. Matt#1: AOL.)
-We expect instant everything, to the point that when I'm on the phone with a client and I'm waiting for them to email me screenshots of their error message it's taking TOO LONG .. 30 whole seconds.
I'll admit, I LOVE technology. But look at what we've lost - the human factor.
For probably 6 months last year, I forgot how to write with a pen and paper. I actually had agraphia from not ever using those skills. Now I make sure to write as much as possible. I take notes on every phone call I take. That's a really scary thing when you have a kindergartener who is learning how to write and spell.
I don't have a lot of phone conversations outside of work. Some would say it is purely BECAUSE I take phone calls all day, but in reality I find the peace of mind of knowing that I can erase something I type before I send it to be very reassuring.
As someone who works in the IT field, it is strange that I would ponder what we have gained and what we have lost by becoming incredibly more electronic.
Today at work, life was disastrous. Some poor girl tried to email a simple request to our electronic support mailbox. Thanks to a slip up, she inadvertantly mailed her request to all users who have our instant messenger tool installed. We're talking globally. All of a sudden inboxes were FLOODED with "I wasn't supposed to get this," "You've got the wrong person," "stop replying to all" etc. messages. It was to the point that I had to put up a rule to filter those messages out and deliver them straight to the deleted items bin. It severely interfered with my workday.
So then I got to thinking about life in the year 2007.
I can do almost anything I need to do electronically.
-I don't think I've deposited a PAYCHECK in years. Checks from my mom, sister, grandpa, yes... but my paycheck is direct deposit. I use my check card for almost every purchase I make. The mere existance of banks where you can open an account without even signing your name is incredible. The only thing I choose to write a check for still is my rent, and with my ING direct electric orange checking account I can even have a paper check mailed to them directly, thus eliminating my need for a checkbook.
-I can buy clothing, groceries, gifts, electronics, medications, books, etc. online. You can even buy houses and vehicles online if you really want.
-I send pictures of my daughter to family across the country in an instant.
-I talk to friends without dialing a phone through MSN or AIM.
-I've never seen my best guy friend Alex in real life, but I could pick him out of a lineup if I had to because we share video with our webcams.
-Hell, I met the top 5 people I talk to the most online - and married one of them. (Jeri : AOL. Lauretta : AOL. Alex : FFXI. Julian : FFXI. Matt#1: AOL.)
-We expect instant everything, to the point that when I'm on the phone with a client and I'm waiting for them to email me screenshots of their error message it's taking TOO LONG .. 30 whole seconds.
I'll admit, I LOVE technology. But look at what we've lost - the human factor.
For probably 6 months last year, I forgot how to write with a pen and paper. I actually had agraphia from not ever using those skills. Now I make sure to write as much as possible. I take notes on every phone call I take. That's a really scary thing when you have a kindergartener who is learning how to write and spell.
I don't have a lot of phone conversations outside of work. Some would say it is purely BECAUSE I take phone calls all day, but in reality I find the peace of mind of knowing that I can erase something I type before I send it to be very reassuring.
10.09.2007
Movie review : Adam and Steve
Hello readers!
Tonight I watched the movie Adam and Steve. The plot was easy to follow... two guys meet in the 80's, and the meeting goes terribly. They don't see each other again for years and when they do they end up dating and falling in love without realizing they had already met.
This movie made me laugh for several reasons. My best guy friend is madly in love with another man, so I sympathize with the "female friend" role played by Parker Posey. I've had the friend who sleeps on my couch for years and turns into my best friend - played by my ex-husband lookalike Chris Kattan. I've also definitely had the horrible first date and so to be able to be optimistic that maybe we'll meet again is whimsical and romantic.
I'd definitely recommend this movie as a funny romantic comedy. Maybe not a "buy it new" but definitely a "buy it used".
It should be mentioned that while it does not contain nearly as many homosexual lovey-touchy parts as Brokeback Mountain, it does contain several scenes of it so if you are offended by that, pass this one up.
For tomorrow, a book review!
Tonight I watched the movie Adam and Steve. The plot was easy to follow... two guys meet in the 80's, and the meeting goes terribly. They don't see each other again for years and when they do they end up dating and falling in love without realizing they had already met.
This movie made me laugh for several reasons. My best guy friend is madly in love with another man, so I sympathize with the "female friend" role played by Parker Posey. I've had the friend who sleeps on my couch for years and turns into my best friend - played by my ex-husband lookalike Chris Kattan. I've also definitely had the horrible first date and so to be able to be optimistic that maybe we'll meet again is whimsical and romantic.
I'd definitely recommend this movie as a funny romantic comedy. Maybe not a "buy it new" but definitely a "buy it used".
It should be mentioned that while it does not contain nearly as many homosexual lovey-touchy parts as Brokeback Mountain, it does contain several scenes of it so if you are offended by that, pass this one up.
For tomorrow, a book review!
10.08.2007
silence is astounding
Hello readers!
I apologize for the lack-o'-blog at the end of last week. I was busy preparing for what I have termed "Hell-weekend 2007". I had to spend a total of about 13 hours driving with 3 children ages 5 years, 4 years and 3 months. Let's just say, not fun.
So today, I was hoping for some peace and quiet - when sure enough work was hectic.
I've come to realize that silence is something that you don't really miss until you haven't had any for a while. I used to think I was one of those people who always needed noise; I always sleep with the TV on, I can't drive without the radio, etc. But now I'm reconsidering that position.
I apologize for the lack-o'-blog at the end of last week. I was busy preparing for what I have termed "Hell-weekend 2007". I had to spend a total of about 13 hours driving with 3 children ages 5 years, 4 years and 3 months. Let's just say, not fun.
So today, I was hoping for some peace and quiet - when sure enough work was hectic.
I've come to realize that silence is something that you don't really miss until you haven't had any for a while. I used to think I was one of those people who always needed noise; I always sleep with the TV on, I can't drive without the radio, etc. But now I'm reconsidering that position.
10.02.2007
thoughts
Hello readers!
Today's blog is going to be about social networking sites. I have accounts on both Myspace and Facebook.
Lets start from the beginning.
Summer 2000 - First, I had AOL. That was the place to start when you were 18, got your first computer on your own. Places - Minneapolis and me all the way. I actually don't remember what my very very first screen name was. I know my second was joesgirl426 ... when I was dating Joe Krautkramer. Laugh all you want. Shortly after that came Momentarygenius - one of the 3 names I go by still. (momentarygenius, xgeniusx, or rysah57)
January 2002 - I got a deadjournal. Mostly to rant about how much I desperately wanted to have Kristen! I wrote often, a lot about my failing marriage. It's almost strange to go back and read some of it.
Deadjournal took a dive in the Fall of '04, so then I migrated to livejournal, along with most of my frends. This was a big transition time in my life, I was no longer with Matt#1 and definitely vulnerable.
I started at the TCF Helpdesk in Nov of '05 and I started a myspace. Most of my friends on there were either carry-overs from prior online sites/in real life or TCF coworkers.
I started a blogger account when I realized I wanted a place to write serious blogs.
Then this past September I got on facebook. And it's funny, because for the most part, the people I was friends with at the beginning are still my friends at the end.
Which do you recommend?
I'm actually most pleased with Facebook. I've found people from elementary school, and been able to see what they are up to. I went out for drinks with an ex from high school just to shoot the shit. Not to mention I've joined groups about completely random things like the choir I used to be in, a group for band geeks, for alumni from my high school, go red for women, the morning show I listen to, Sidekick lovers, and Nintendo DS owners. It's a great way to find people I've lost and meet people who are freaks like me.
However, now that there is a Myspace app for the sidekick I do find myself on there pretty frequently. I've almost completely abandoned livejournal other than the communities I'm in, I HAVE abandoned deadjournal and AOL.
So that's my online history. What's yours?
Today's blog is going to be about social networking sites. I have accounts on both Myspace and Facebook.
Lets start from the beginning.
Summer 2000 - First, I had AOL. That was the place to start when you were 18, got your first computer on your own. Places - Minneapolis and me all the way. I actually don't remember what my very very first screen name was. I know my second was joesgirl426 ... when I was dating Joe Krautkramer. Laugh all you want. Shortly after that came Momentarygenius - one of the 3 names I go by still. (momentarygenius, xgeniusx, or rysah57)
January 2002 - I got a deadjournal. Mostly to rant about how much I desperately wanted to have Kristen! I wrote often, a lot about my failing marriage. It's almost strange to go back and read some of it.
Deadjournal took a dive in the Fall of '04, so then I migrated to livejournal, along with most of my frends. This was a big transition time in my life, I was no longer with Matt#1 and definitely vulnerable.
I started at the TCF Helpdesk in Nov of '05 and I started a myspace. Most of my friends on there were either carry-overs from prior online sites/in real life or TCF coworkers.
I started a blogger account when I realized I wanted a place to write serious blogs.
Then this past September I got on facebook. And it's funny, because for the most part, the people I was friends with at the beginning are still my friends at the end.
Which do you recommend?
I'm actually most pleased with Facebook. I've found people from elementary school, and been able to see what they are up to. I went out for drinks with an ex from high school just to shoot the shit. Not to mention I've joined groups about completely random things like the choir I used to be in, a group for band geeks, for alumni from my high school, go red for women, the morning show I listen to, Sidekick lovers, and Nintendo DS owners. It's a great way to find people I've lost and meet people who are freaks like me.
However, now that there is a Myspace app for the sidekick I do find myself on there pretty frequently. I've almost completely abandoned livejournal other than the communities I'm in, I HAVE abandoned deadjournal and AOL.
So that's my online history. What's yours?
10.01.2007
acceptance
Hello readers!
Friday I wrote a little bit that probably appealed to my bpd-suffering readers more than anyone else, but I promise it can be applied to everyone else too! Today's blog is going to be on that same line, primarily for those readers, but I think everyone can get something out of it.
Today I'm going to write about acceptance. Yes, there is the serenity prayer (you know, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.) But that's not really all there is to acceptance.
Accepting Crises
You are going along, minding your own business, and a piano falls on your head. If that wasn't bad enough, you also get hit by a bus and struck by lightning at the same time. Do you chalk it up to a bad day, or let it control your life?
Ok, bad example. But for a borderline, even the small things like wrong coffee from Caribou or hitting 3 stoplights in a row can be the same thing as major disasters. Everything that goes wrong goes extremely wrong. It's not that we are drama queens or kings, it's more like we perceive everything to be critical in some way.
One step on the road to normal is to re-evaluate this thinking. Shit happens, so to speak. You can't control the world, no matter how hard you try. Things are going to break, fail, explode, crash, burn, die, spill, stop... cause and effect. Try to realize that each little event is insignificant. If you won't remember it in 2 weeks, it's not important. 9/11? Important. Missed the elevator at work? Not important.
Accepting Criticism
Another thing you have to learn to accept is criticism. Borderlines take everything literally and seriously, when they shouldn't. And it's funny, because some of us like myself tend to be sarcastic often. When it's time for your annual review at work, your boss SHOULD point out what you're doing well first. But if he/she doesn't, don't fret. He/she wants you to do good at your job, it's more profitable for them. More often than not, criticism isn't about you PERSONALLY, it's about something you either knowingly or unknowingly do. IT ISN'T PERSONAL! Determine what the person is really saying, and take it to heart. Your boss complains that you are always late. It's Not Personal, he just wants you to be punctual. An friend comments that you've gained weight. It's Not Personal, he/she is just concerned.
What's great about mastering this ability is the way it makes the cases where it IS personal easy. An ex says I was horrible in bed. Now that I see everything as Not Personal, I think to myself, "Well. That's his opinion. Our personalities in that department just didn't click," even if he really did say it to be a jerkoff. You'd be surprised how much that helps.
Accepting Others
Closely related to Accepting Criticism is Accepting Others. You are your own person. You have your own thoughts and feelings. You have preferences, dislikes, illnesses, irritants. You have mannerisms. You have things you are good at, and things you are not so good at. Common sense tells us that other people are the same way. It's OK if their things aren't the same as yours. It's almost selfish to make them change to be like you.
In order to function in society, you really need to accept that other people are different. You ultimately have no control over them. A parent can discipline their child til they are blue in the face, but if the kid still wants to misbehave they are going to. You can send your alcoholic boyfriend to AA, but unless he wants to change you are still going to see him at the bar from 10am til 2am. You can tell your caller not to cancel their H drive synchronization, but you can't make them listen to you.
You can advise, plead, beg, but ultimately anything they do is their fault - good or bad.
Accepting Yourself
Yep. The hardest one of all is accepting yourself. Everyone has things they don't like about themselves. I know I sure as hell do. And you will never be perfect. I'm not saying give up on your dreams and goals because everyone needs something to inspire them, something to live for. I am saying to be careful.
I have friends who are beautiful. And they are not happy with themselves. They are taking things that are not intended to be in your body in an attempt to lose weight when it's not necessary. As someone who Accepts Others, I accept that they are making this decision. I don't have to like it, I don't have to agree with it, all I can do is voice my concerns.
I on the other hand, admit to being overweight. I admit to hating the way I look. However, I also am not going to take extreme risks with my body as I've already lost it once before. I have accepted that choice. I also accept responsibility of my decision not to take crazy non-approved drugs. I may lose weight slower by drinking more water, cutting soda and fast food, walking more and lifting small weights, but I'll get to my goal in a way that works for me.
Accepting yourself also means accepting your past in it's entirety. I'll admit I had problems. I had REAL problems. I still do have problems. I can not do a damn thing now about the past, can I?. Nopers. I lied, I cheated, I stole, I did recreational drugs, I had lots of premarital sex. I was about as far from perfect as one can get. And yet, I don't feel sorry for it. I am who I am, like it or leave it be.
The best part about accepting yourself is that eventually accepting yourself turns to liking yourself, to loving yourself. That's a good road to be on.
Hopefully this post was helpful to you readers,
Til tomorrow,
M
Friday I wrote a little bit that probably appealed to my bpd-suffering readers more than anyone else, but I promise it can be applied to everyone else too! Today's blog is going to be on that same line, primarily for those readers, but I think everyone can get something out of it.
Today I'm going to write about acceptance. Yes, there is the serenity prayer (you know, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.) But that's not really all there is to acceptance.
Accepting Crises
You are going along, minding your own business, and a piano falls on your head. If that wasn't bad enough, you also get hit by a bus and struck by lightning at the same time. Do you chalk it up to a bad day, or let it control your life?
Ok, bad example. But for a borderline, even the small things like wrong coffee from Caribou or hitting 3 stoplights in a row can be the same thing as major disasters. Everything that goes wrong goes extremely wrong. It's not that we are drama queens or kings, it's more like we perceive everything to be critical in some way.
One step on the road to normal is to re-evaluate this thinking. Shit happens, so to speak. You can't control the world, no matter how hard you try. Things are going to break, fail, explode, crash, burn, die, spill, stop... cause and effect. Try to realize that each little event is insignificant. If you won't remember it in 2 weeks, it's not important. 9/11? Important. Missed the elevator at work? Not important.
Accepting Criticism
Another thing you have to learn to accept is criticism. Borderlines take everything literally and seriously, when they shouldn't. And it's funny, because some of us like myself tend to be sarcastic often. When it's time for your annual review at work, your boss SHOULD point out what you're doing well first. But if he/she doesn't, don't fret. He/she wants you to do good at your job, it's more profitable for them. More often than not, criticism isn't about you PERSONALLY, it's about something you either knowingly or unknowingly do. IT ISN'T PERSONAL! Determine what the person is really saying, and take it to heart. Your boss complains that you are always late. It's Not Personal, he just wants you to be punctual. An friend comments that you've gained weight. It's Not Personal, he/she is just concerned.
What's great about mastering this ability is the way it makes the cases where it IS personal easy. An ex says I was horrible in bed. Now that I see everything as Not Personal, I think to myself, "Well. That's his opinion. Our personalities in that department just didn't click," even if he really did say it to be a jerkoff. You'd be surprised how much that helps.
Accepting Others
Closely related to Accepting Criticism is Accepting Others. You are your own person. You have your own thoughts and feelings. You have preferences, dislikes, illnesses, irritants. You have mannerisms. You have things you are good at, and things you are not so good at. Common sense tells us that other people are the same way. It's OK if their things aren't the same as yours. It's almost selfish to make them change to be like you.
In order to function in society, you really need to accept that other people are different. You ultimately have no control over them. A parent can discipline their child til they are blue in the face, but if the kid still wants to misbehave they are going to. You can send your alcoholic boyfriend to AA, but unless he wants to change you are still going to see him at the bar from 10am til 2am. You can tell your caller not to cancel their H drive synchronization, but you can't make them listen to you.
You can advise, plead, beg, but ultimately anything they do is their fault - good or bad.
Accepting Yourself
Yep. The hardest one of all is accepting yourself. Everyone has things they don't like about themselves. I know I sure as hell do. And you will never be perfect. I'm not saying give up on your dreams and goals because everyone needs something to inspire them, something to live for. I am saying to be careful.
I have friends who are beautiful. And they are not happy with themselves. They are taking things that are not intended to be in your body in an attempt to lose weight when it's not necessary. As someone who Accepts Others, I accept that they are making this decision. I don't have to like it, I don't have to agree with it, all I can do is voice my concerns.
I on the other hand, admit to being overweight. I admit to hating the way I look. However, I also am not going to take extreme risks with my body as I've already lost it once before. I have accepted that choice. I also accept responsibility of my decision not to take crazy non-approved drugs. I may lose weight slower by drinking more water, cutting soda and fast food, walking more and lifting small weights, but I'll get to my goal in a way that works for me.
Accepting yourself also means accepting your past in it's entirety. I'll admit I had problems. I had REAL problems. I still do have problems. I can not do a damn thing now about the past, can I?. Nopers. I lied, I cheated, I stole, I did recreational drugs, I had lots of premarital sex. I was about as far from perfect as one can get. And yet, I don't feel sorry for it. I am who I am, like it or leave it be.
The best part about accepting yourself is that eventually accepting yourself turns to liking yourself, to loving yourself. That's a good road to be on.
Hopefully this post was helpful to you readers,
Til tomorrow,
M
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